Two people sitting across from each other at a table, one working on a laptop and the other taking notes in a notebook, with a glass of water, a vase with two calla lilies, and decorative items on the table.

When old hurts speak through your adult voice

Book Now
A woman with shoulder-length brown hair, wearing black glasses and a dark blouse, Elaine Alexander.

Most people don’t realize that the things they say when they’re hurt now often come from a much earlier version of themselves.

The flare of “It’s not fair.”
The quiet “Fine, I’ll do it myself.”
The defensive “I can do whatever I want.”
The pullback of “I don’t need anyone.”

They’re the lines you learned when you were younger, when you had fewer choices and fewer ways to make sense of what was happening. Your nervous system catalogued those moments and built scripts around them.

So today, when someone pulls away, raises their voice, dismisses you, or simply forgets to check in, that old template kicks in before you even notice. It’s protection. Your younger self is still trying to keep you from getting hurt again.

In coaching, we slow down those moments so you can see the pattern. You’ll learn where the reaction came from, what it was trying to protect, and what your adult self actually needs now.

When this starts to shift, you finally get to use your voice in a way that feels more like you and less like a survival reflex.

Because the bravest thing we can do is let someone see all of our stuff, and love us anyway.

Person typing on a laptop with a gold-colored cuff bracelet and a brown sweater, sitting at a wooden table.

I support clients who are navigating:

  • abandonment wounds that echo into adult relationships

  • grief after losing someone to suicide

  • complicated, confusing, or painful relationships with parents

  • patterns that feel rooted, stubborn, or hard to name

  • the weight of being the “strong one,” even when you’re at capacity

Many of my clients arrive saying the same thing:

“I don’t want to retell my whole story for years. I just want someone who gets it.”

What our work looks like

Coaching with me isn’t about forcing you to re-live what you’ve already survived. We spend time understanding how your patterns formed and why they make sense. From there, we build new ways of relating to yourself, your grief, and the people in your life.

Together, we’ll look at:

  • the stories you’ve had to carry alone

  • the ways you learned to keep yourself safe

  • the beliefs that still hold power, even if you no longer want them

  • the grief you’ve been trying to make sense of, especially when it feels complicated or unspeakable

The goal is not to erase the past.
It’s to loosen its grip so you can move through the world without bracing for impact.

Get Started

Hi, I’m Elaine

I’m Elaine Alexander. I spent years trying to outrun my own patterns. Nighttime anxiety, the self-criticism that never shut off, the feeling that I was carrying more than anyone could see.

Nothing changed until I started learning how the nervous system holds experience and how past relationships shape the voice we hear in our own heads. That work changed my life, and now it shapes how I support others.

My approach is steady, warm, and clear. You don’t need to perform, impress, or explain everything at once. You just get to be a human sorting through things that were never simple to begin with.

Who I’m a good fit for

People who want:

  • a space that honours grief without rushing it

  • support that makes sense of relationships that were never straightforward

  • help untangling old patterns that show up in current relationships

  • a slower, steadier way of rebuilding trust in themselves

  • a coach who understands the weight of carrying more than you can name

Close-up of a wooden desk with a black pen, an open notebook, and a glass of water with sticks inside. In the background are books, a ceramic vase, and decorative items.
A woman with shoulder-length brown hair, wearing black glasses and an olive green V-neck top, crosses her arms and smiles slightly at the camera.

What happens next

If you’re curious about working together, we’ll start with a short consultation to see if it feels like a good fit. No pressure. No commitment. Just a conversation to understand what you’re carrying and what you want for yourself now

Get Started

Frequently Asked Questions

  • I support people who are carrying long-standing relational patterns, especially around abandonment, complicated grief after losing someone to suicide, and strained or painful relationships with parents. Coaching helps you understand how these experiences shaped your reactions, expectations, and inner voice, and how to move through life with more steadiness and clarity.

  • No. Coaching is not therapy, counselling, or mental health treatment. I don’t diagnose, assess, or treat mental health conditions. Coaching focuses on patterns, meaning-making, emotional capacity, and the practical ways you support yourself in the present.

  • No. Coaching is not covered by insurance or extended health benefits.

  • We slow things down and look at what’s happening internally when you get overwhelmed, shut down, over-function, or pull away. You’ll get tools, and steady support as you build new patterns and explore the ones that keep looping.

  • It depends on what you want to work on. Some people come for a short season with one specific goal. Others stay longer because the space feels grounding and steady. We check in regularly so you always know where we’re headed.

  • Yes. Sessions are held virtually for clients on Zoom.